DE-CISIONS cut us off from infinite possibilities.
After “considering” my options between “better” and “worse”, weighing which choice would have “lesser of consequences”, or which direction would “cause” less discomfort I decided to stop and write it out. To let whatever it is in me wanting to “bust” out and be free to have a platform to be heard. First I grabbed my journal as I wanted to keep it private and “safe” to be real and raw and transparent. Then I had a “thought”. What if this is not for me but through me and I m cutting myself off by “making” a DE-CISION to keep it private? What if I am cutting off the infinite possibilities by choosing a “safer” route, the option that might be “better” when it comes to “keeping my image” protected while I dive in and face the anger and sadness I have been unwilling to feel?
What if this is not only for me?
“So what, who cares? Nothing you do ever be good enough, so why bother? Nobody wants what you have as it has no value. YOu are worthless and so is everything you offer. That is why you are where you are in life. Leave the world-changing, helping people business for those who know what they are doing. You are nothing so why bother!”
This is the dialogue I have been listening to for the past couple of weeks. This is what I so desperately want to hide from people while I keep going and putting on a face “I got this”.
In all honesty, I don’t fuckin got this.
I have great visions and I know what I prefer to experience. I took action, intuitively guided action, toward what I truly want; to bring people, places and things together and help you remember your truth through self-care. To help you remember what you prefer to experience and create platforms where it is “safe” to be true and real and get the support you are looking for.
“Ironic” isn’t it?
A couple of years ago I “decided” to be true to myself and stop making ”DE-CISIONS” to please others while I am dying inside. I chose what I prefer to experience; FREEDOM and to create my vision for my life.
One of many things I was reminded of since is “when we turn and take action toward what we want we will come face to face with everything we placed between us and it”! (Thank you Brian D. Ridgway)
Facing the lies and illusions. The beliefs about ourselves and life, the world and people. The experiences we had and forgot along the way. The memories of those “unpleasant, painful and traumatic” experiences. The emotions we are unwilling to feel and avoided since we were babies. All parts of ourselves we have been denying, shunning and kicking when start to feel sad, angry or fearful.
All that I placed between myself and everything I prefer to experience is coming up and as I am facing them I am reminded to breathe and BE PRESENT!!
I recognize that part of me, that young woman who feels angry and frustrated. I remember shunning her for feeling and “being weak”. I remember telling her to hide and wait to break down when she is alone, away from everyone, so she won’t be seen as mean, weak, a fraud or hurtful.
I remember NOT breathing so that I can keep her under control and “safe” from being seen as her father or mother. I remember punishing her if she didn’t listen and opened her mouth while feeling angry or sad and “pushing” others away with her emotions.
I remember punishing her for every illusion of mistake and making a “DE-CISION” to take away her dreams and desires by choosing what had the “lesser of a consequence”. I remember abusing her and making her “wrong” for NOT being “positive” . I remember punishing her for every thought, emotion, and reaction that was wrapped up in fear and sadness. I remember NOT loving her and NOT remembering that I am her and she is me, and we are, I am, infinite, beautiful, unlimited beings, having this experience.
Not to learn any lessons. But to RE-MEMBER that I am ONE with her, with you, and with everything and making DE-CISIONS based on the illusion of “better” or “worse” only makes an IN-CISION and cuts me off from the infinite unlimited possibilities of TOTAL FREEDOM AND LIBERATION.
I RE-MEMBERED to BREATHE and BE PRESENT with her, to love her as she is me, perfect infinite being. I RE-MEMBERED to FEEL through it and choose peace. I RE-MEMBERED that I am safe.
I Re-Membered that I AM YOU!
As I am perfectly made RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
All is All, All is Well.
I love you.