What have I been hurting with the most?
What has happened that I am hurting the most?
What have I been believing about myself the most?
A process by Brian D. Ridgway
Always being corrected, like I can’t f****** think for myself, like I’m stupid on so many levels. Why the hell do I have to just stand by and pretend that I am okay with what is so you can continue to be a miserable f***?
What makes you so special that you believe that me being someone you think I should be will make it better for you?
What is the f****** problem with just being real?
Have any idea of how many years of “ have to be polite, nice and quiet” I have pinned up in me?
The amount of f****** times I said yes, and I want to say f*** no and all the times I heard No and delivered the opposite because someone you found better than me to give to what I asked for.
Or the endless f****** nights of wondering how much more do I have to give, deny, satisfy and risk before I finally say What About Me?
Not out of the selfish- only me important space- but from the when are you going to realize that giving it all away only leaves you empty and feeling like that used up, worthless piece of crap.
To keep it for yourself and be fulfilled is not selfish- it is self-care. Only then you will really enjoy giving- fully stocked- with energy, money, food, time, health and love.
So what hurts so f****** much is not knowing if it all matters and if I ever did. I hear it does but I want to f****** feel it – Feel me in them
I want to feel that I matter and that there is more to my life than just surviving. I want to thrive- unapologetically thrive and take you with me- to new heights to new places- all the way.
I’m hurting from all that giving up from the “ it won’t matter so why bother” – from the unwantedness and the believing that I am nothing- not a thing- next to everything.
The thought that I am a waste of time and a piece of meat- a used up piece of toy- damaged goods.
I am pained the most from believing that I am nothing and that is nothing I can do to have everything- because I didn’t fit the mold- I didn’t pass the test of normal and I never conformed myself to what is expected of me as a daughter, sister or friend.
What most pains me is that I believed all that and for that to be true I had to be punished- and there is nobody here to punish me- so it is all on me again- as everything else- and the best way to punish me is by taking everything I love and cherish and leave me with nothing – not until I learn to follow the rules and be who I am told I must be – in order to please, make comfortable in the uncomfortable and prove that I am worthy of living and thriving by being everything and every one the outside world wants me to be- As I Lay Dying side.