I have denied myself so much!
Through the years I denied myself feeling certain emotions out of fear of people leaving me or that they would get upset and hurt themselves if I trigger something in them. I denied myself experiences for the sake of making others happy by supporting them in their life, so they can have their vision become their truth. I denied myself a connection and love out of fear of being too much or not enough. Denied the joy and excitement I felt over my accomplishments because I didn’t want others to feel less than…and so much more.
We all do it.
We all, in one way or another, deny ourselves the life we truly want to live because of crap…yes I am calling it what I see it.
It is all crap…
The belief that I am responsible for others well-being over my own.
The belief that I make people feel a certain way.
The belief that I am too much or not enough.
The belief that vulnerability is dangerous and only causes pain and hurt.
I call BS…as I have believed all this most of my life and acted accordingly…and guess what…never worked out in the end!!
It always resulted in the complete opposite of what I believed it would.
Not showing my emotions, denying how I truly felt about experiences and covering it all up with something (another emotion, substances, codependency, etc.) only resulted in what I DID NOT WANT; people leaving, distance, dishonesty, hurt, loneliness, feeling unsafe and oh the list is long….
Denying myself the truth about MY desires and vision for my life, because I believed they were too out there and I wanted someone to be with me, so I made their desires a priority..only resulted in the opposite of what I wanted, which was connection, support, love, celebration, encouragement, adventure, and fun!
But how can I have any of that by denying myself my own desires and living for someone else’s? How can we fully experience our potentials is we keep giving ourselves away to other people for the sake of them giving us what we truly want…and how is it even possible when we are not even honest about what we want!!!!????
That is how I denied myself most of my life: I DENIED MY OWN EMOTIONS, DESIRES, and DREAMS from myself because I believed in all the wrong things.
One of the most important things I denied myself is, to be honest about one emotion; Sadness!
I denied myself to feel the true emotion over 3 huge experiences in my life, as I believed that it would show the world how weak I am and would not only hurt them but would make them go away and leave me.
My Dad leaving our family for another woman hurt me more than I can put into words. I little girl who worked so hard to be loved by her Dad all her life finding out that he gave that love to someone else, left me scared for life and filled with sadness I never admitted to anyone, not even to myself….I just denied that sadness by covering it up with rage, anger, and aggression…to protect myself.
My Mom reacting to this event on her own painful way; attempting to commit suicide hurt me even more and the sadness that filled me up over this trauma was too much to even think about so I layered more anger on top of the already existing pile and continued to deny any pain or sadness from myself.
The 3rd experience I felt so much sadness over was someone I loved more than words can describe, it is not that “in love” or “lust” kind of feeling. It is love only a soul knows. As much as I know it had to be the way it was, for him to leave to find himself and heal on his own, the pain it left behind and the sadness it brought with it was so unbearable that I just filed it away with the other 2 boxes of “I will never allow this sadness to be real” and this time I covered it up with getting busy and attracting an abusive relationship to punish myself for being so weak, for letting someone is so deeply and not being strong enough, because I allowed myself to be vulnerable and let someone see me for me.
The anger and shame I used to deny myself my truth has caused me to make more choices that led to more abuse, unhealthy work environment, sexual assaults, health issues, and isolation out of fear and pain of ever having the opportunity to let someone in and see me for me.
This denial only held for so long as I realized a year ago that I was missing something very dear to my heart; I started to miss me, my truth, my freedom, and my light.
With all that protection, I not only denied myself to feel the sadness underneath all that anger and shame, but I had to realize how much I was denying the world from the gifts I was meant to share, because of that sadness.
I didn’t know that this sadness I was hiding away was and is the true gift I am supposed to feel and receive guidance through so that I can help others find their way back to their truth, feeling safe and loved on their journey of healing and growth.
I had no idea that the 3 most sad experiences were the greatest gifts in my life, because I believed the lies and conditioning I received from outside of myself until one day something turned my head and whispered softly; “Look inside as there is the truth you have been searching for. It is where the love and safety will be as you get closer to your truth.”
So what was I denying myself by living in the darkness of my pain? Not only the sadness but the gifts of these emotions I am ready and meant to share with the world.
Vulnerability is the most beautiful and powerful emotion, and there is nothing more freeing but allowing the truth of ourselves to be shown to the world through love and compassion, starting in our own hearts. Being free starts with freeing ourselves from the chains of our denials and looking into the eyes of our own soul to welcome us home, again, through love and with the help of that infinite power. We are not alone on this journey and recognizing that is the first step for accessing the spiritual connection that can help us find solutions for every problem we face.
As an advocate for Emotional Freedom I am excited to recognize my shortcomings and to learn the value of being true to my emotional experiences, instead of making them what they are not, just to please my environment, which only robs others from the opportunity to heal their own wounds.
I strive to make it safe for you by getting in touch with the deepest part of my soul and allowing the healing and growth to be seen by you, because at the end of the day we are one, and recognizing myself in you allows me to let you in as we both just want to be true…to our own desires.
Finding yourself recognizing some of the things you have been denying from your life experience, ask these questions as you journal and open up to guidance:
How does all that serve you?
How does all that hurt you?
How does all this make sense?
How does all this happen to be part of your purpose?
How does all this going to make a difference?
Why you must choose to move forward?
How do you deny yourself your emotional growth?/ How do you deny yourself?
-Take care of others’ needs- NOT YOURS?
As you allow your healing to begin, remember that you are always, perfectly made, Right Here, Right Now…as you are.
Love and Light
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer writes in his book, There’s A Spiritual Solution to Every Problem, about the “three basic steps to finding your spiritual solutions to problems”.
The 1st of these steps for accessing spiritual connection is RECOGNITION!
“Recognizing the availability of an invisible force that can be put to use in solving a problem, requires overcoming a great deal of our early training and conditioning.”