It has been a challenging week and I wondered for days if I will find anything valuable to share with you. I wondered is I have any story, experience or lesson that is worth your time and if you would even be interested in anything I have to say.
I had a story running me for days, a story I wrote over 40 years ago and have been telling myself all through my life. A story that had me distracted from what is important to me and what I am passionate about; helping others identify their old, worn out stories and beliefs, and write new, inspiring ones while they (re)discover their light again.
An old story I wrote as a child through my experiences and the belief I made up about myself; Nobody wants what I have to offer, so I better turn into someone they would rather have. A story that had me believe that I am, as I am, my true self, is never gonna be good enough in this world; not in relationships, not in work, nowhere for nobody.
A story I made up as a little girl, because my Dad wanted a boy, and there I was, his first child; a girl. Crazy right!?
I didn’t know that this dynamic had me create such a belief system that followed me all through my life and affected me in so many ways. My Dad taught me everything a father would teach his son; paint, fix thing, use tools, build things (buildings) and so on. At the same time Mom also did her Mom things and taught me everything a Mom would teach her daughter; cook, clean, plant flowers, work in the garden, grow things, etc.
Dad also was very eminent about not showing my emotions as it was a sign of weakness, while Mom cried on a top of a hat. Total opposite of values and belief systems: wonder why I lived with such a confusion and searched for a sense of belonging all my life.
I have to say I am more than grateful for my childhood. I love my parents and I am so blessed that I had a chance to learn so many skills, because many of those skills supported me as an adult to build a successful business for years, helped me take care of myself and my home when something came up, and was able to help others as well.
So as I set and tried to force myself to understand this feeling of nothing is going right, and why everything I have been working on just not being noticed and going anywhere, I finally surrendered. I just ran out of energy to fight that I was not alright.
You see about 8 months ago I hit a wall emotionally and energetically, I felt empty and lost and found myself on my knees asking for a miracle, a sign, something to help me out of the darkness I could not live in anymore. That was the first time I truly experienced a miracle and started to understand that I have been in my own way with stories I believed were true, but did not served me anymore and what I am here to do. The Universe answered through a friend, someone who came to me for advice, and as I supported him I received a miracle myself. The Universe brought me the guidance and the answer I was seeking through someone else’s need for guidance, which I not only gave that day, but received loud and clear.
Today I found myself, once again, on my knees asking for a miracle. This time I felt a stuck in a different way. I have been working on so many amazing things; things I enjoy, things I feel joy and inspired about. I have been writing a book, creating new material for classes, booking online events and locally, and I have been having fun in the process.
I have stepped out and got out of my own way 8 months ago when I just could not live the way I thought I should; making others a priority.
I have been showing up and connecting with my inner guidance more and more, committed to my daily meditation and journaling. I practice daily gratitude and read books, Listen to podcasts, webinars and everything I can to soak up to support my growth, so I can bring more and more value to others…I have been being it, doing it and sharing it…LOVE….
And still something just didn’t feel right! I just kept feeling like I was running into a new wall that is keeping me from reaching the next level of my life, my vision. To serve and help people in finding their own strength, light, truth and heal anything that stands in the way.
So I hit my knees and asked for a miracle. I asked for sign, something that will help me understand what this wall is made of. I have broken down a few walls in the past 8 months, so this was nothing new, only that this one felt heavy and like it was coming from deep within.
I cried, well I actually sobed and prayed my butt off. I begged and cried some more to receive some guidance. I felt a sense of relief as I cried, like I was releasing resistance. I felt lighter each moment, each tear and each breath I took, when at one moment I got up and reached for a journal closest to me (I have a few).
I just felt a soft nudge to start writing, to start listening, as the truth came to surface with each word, with each paragraph, until I was able to get to the source of my story; What I have to offer is not wanted or good enough, so I have to become someone else in order to fit in, to be loved, accepted, wanted and to show people that I have value.
This had to come up if I truly want to make a difference and share from an authentic, love filled space. This I had to face and clear out if I truly want to live the life I love.
Because of the dynamics of my childhood, my parents’ need to teach me and treat me differently, I developed a pattern, a habit, a behavior to become someone I believed people wanted me to be in order to make them happy. I became a chameleon. Out of FEAR of not being valuable, wanted and enough I took on different roles and hobbies, I liked and disliked different things at different part of my life, I made choices that cost me to live in the shadows of others’ desires, their opinion, needs and values, while mine was boxed up and put away, hoping one day I find a relationship, a workplace and a life where it will be safe to show it to the world without being judged, and abandoned for my truth.
In reality all I wanted is to be loved, accepted, to be seen for my value and to have a sense of belonging in my own family.
I took this into every part of my life for the past 45 years and I have lost touch with who I truly am. I have been confused about my own desires; what I like or dislike, how I want to live my life, what I desire in relationships and work, and what really brings me joy.
Now that I broke down this wall, now that I discovered the source of the story, I can finally understand the choices I made, the results I have manifested, and the life I have created.
Now I have a sense of understanding of the distractions I have been blessed with this week, the interior and exterior signs I received, which were all pointing me to this moment. They were all directing me to the space and energy to hit my knees and release the resistance I had all my life, to be able to receive the answers I was seeking and to be able to heal the sadness over that part of my childhood and my relationship with my Dad.
The miracle isn’t really the healing part, but the joy I feel from being reminded that there is a greater power out there to support and guide me, and that I do not have to do any of this alone. The miracle is in the allowing and in the receiving, which allows me to write a new story; I was perfectly made as a girl and the best part of me is my true authentic self. My parents loved me and still do and without them I would not be on this journey today.
The miracle is feeling loved, enough, valuable and joyful just by turning inward and making my relationship with this power a priority, so that I can show up and be in my truth in all other relationships in my life, sharing this joy and energy with others.
Whatever story you have been telling yourself, know that you can always write a new one. A story that comes from love. A story that lights you up and shows your light to this world. And whatever your path looks like up until now, you are perfectly made, Right Here, Right Now!.