Waking up on a Saturday morning ready to go for my run I realized I have been neglecting my body because I woken with a sore back.
I didn’t think anything of it, just took the time and stretched it out, so I can enjoy my run and complete my day as planed. I had a funeral to go to and friends to see, as well as a long To Do list piled up in my head, that was in part had a lot to do with my next week’s agenda.
So as always, after running I rolled out the Yoga mat and did the usual stretching, rolling and meditating, feeling good and ready for the shower.
Even know I kept THINKING everything was going according to my plans…I just knew something was off… That inner knowing that always trumps the THINKING part!!!
Was I listening? Obviously not!!!
As I completed the list of tasks, while ignoring my intuition to SLOW down and reconsider my day, I set down to put my shoes on when… OUCH!!!
Something popped…in my lower back…shooting pain across my hips and forcing me to slide off the couch onto the floor with a controlled but painful scream leaving my body.
At that moment I just KNEW that my plants for that day, even for the following week, were altered and in that moment it was out of my control.
First I got angry, than I cried, followed by a long space of isolation and avoidance, just to feel the anger, sadness and so many other emotions creep up again. I went through this cycle of emotions a few times during the day as I surrendered to the floor and to what I have been avoiding for weeks: To feel and process the Unresolved Emotional Trauma I experienced the past 6 months due to the transition after a break up, career change, moving and letting go years of certainty as I decided to finally go after my desires and to be faced with a long list of Uncertainties!!
My favorite way to bust through things is that exactly: BUST through it while ISOLATING and making sure I keep BUSY!!! But is it really allowing myself to go through the experience? Or have I been avoiding?
Being busy is one thing…but acting like I’m busy to cover up what is really going on is another.
Honestly I have been doing a little bit of both.
I have allowed myself to feel and process, to grieve and to heal.
And I also made sure that when it came to certain feelings I took a detour and got busy, feeling it just enough to get me through the day, but not enough to get me THROUGH!!!
I did noticed that I was getting ANGRY over little things in the past couple of weeks and while hugging the floor I remembered what I learned many years ago: that anger is an emotion many of us use to cover up the real culprit….the emotion we DO NOT want to face the most. It is different for many and as I laid on that floor finding the acceptance in that moment I decided to get to WORK!!!!
I decided that if the Universe will knock me on my back I might as well take a look at what I have been not paying attention to. I might as well just surrender and make the best of it while I swim in the ocean of emotions coming and going and find out what their purpose is and where they are leading to.
So I pulled out all the tools I had access to; computer, note books, old notes, meditations, etc. and I dug!!! Dug deep for hours! And what I found was astonishing and scary at the same time.
I learned that I have created RULES about negative emotions. Rules that I have to start challenging in order to claim my power again.
I learned that we are all hardwired for survival, which is why we are more concerned about avoiding pain rather than seeking pleasure!
I learned that I have to become conscious of my rules of negative and positive emotions and in order for me to create a new future I got to create new rules based on new paradigm. I cannot bring my past into this LIFE!!
I also learned that moving forward there will be situations that look and feel similar at first to the things that caused me pain in the past, but my goal is to NOT BELIEVE IT! and to realize that I have to (1) Become Vulnerable, (2) I have to TRY AGAIN, and (3) to BE LIKE A CHILD to see things as brand new!
“Negative emotions are teachers asking for your awareness!” ~ Mastin Kipp
I had plants for that day to be about someone else’s celebration, to support others in their process of grieving and to connect with friends. But that wasn’t the plan created for me.
The plan was to celebrate and support myself in the process of my grieving process by surrendering and letting go, and to connect with the part of me I have been avoiding.
I celebrate the way things went down, even know it was painful and challenging.
I also remembered that everything happens for a reason and trying to force things just because I made plants will only knock me on my back sooner or later!
So plan ahead! Set goals! Dream big! Listen to the whispers of the Universe! Let go and surrender! Because like it or not sooner or later you gonna have to listen.
Question is would you rather do it knocked off your feet, flat on the floor or somewhere more fun and enjoyable?