I want the monster out of my head!
It has been 3 years and so much happened since. I moved on and took the time to heal, so I can have something different.
However, I did not realize how deep the scars are.
I have the most amazing life I ever thought possible right now. Everything happened so fast in the past few months, but I am all for it. I am living the life of my dreams and creating the relationship I always dreamed about.
A few days ago I found myself in dynamic with some people, who I love dearly and are very important in my life, which brought me back to a very dark time of my life.
It was 3 years ago and it only lasted 6 months, and still it changed my life forever.
I am a strong and smart woman and I can handle a lot, and that is why I never thought that it can happen to me. I spent the last 15 years of my life inspiring people to take a stand for themselves and to go after their dreams. I coached hundreds of women on taking their life back and being strong each day, and I surely took a stand many times for people who settled and sold out on themselves to please others.
So how did I end up in one of the most abusive, controlled and manipulative relationship I can ever imagine. I’m sure my experience is not the worse, and I know that there are people who experienced a lot more trauma than me, and still the scars are so deep and painful, I just spent a half a day praying to not to feel anymore.
Today I am in love with the most loving, intuitive, kind, vulnerable, connected, powerful and deserving man and I cannot imagine to be with anyone else.
He has been my rock and my protagonist, my support and my best friend, and taken a stand for me with love and passion over and over again.
Still today I felt distant and scared, because the trauma of that relationship from 3 years ago surfaced and all I could hear and see is the words and the actions of that monster!!!
My self-esteem and self-worth hit rock bottom and I know it is just my reaction to the triggered emotions I was feeling. I had a hard time looking in the mirror without crying and I kept waiting to be told that I am no good for anything.
I wanted to look in the mirror and love what I see, but the past couple of days I could not and I was in such a judgment of myself in every way.
That monster was hunting my every though!
His aggression and toxic energy was lingering over my head. I kept hearing his accusations and putting me down for everything I did wrong.
I kept hearing him questioning my integrity, love and intentions.
I kept hearing his self-pity and feeling the guilt he brought on by his passive aggressive manipulation when I wanted to do something for myself.
I kept hearing him accusing me to be unfaithful, and even using my brother as a weapon, because he did not believe that my brother was real, only that I was lying and he was my lover instead.
I kept feeling the fear to talk to my family while he was present, or to even tell him about them, because he always found something to twist and use to manipulate me.
I kept seeing his ugly grin as his insecurity kicking in and wanting to hide it with a nervous laugh, but when it came to being in private he was full of judgment and toxicity toward everyone.
I kept feeling the pressure and embarrassment of his EGO that came from within him when he made a mistake front of others, and hearing how everyone was at fault of his own shortcomings.
I kept feeling his disapproving looks and hearing his comments about my appearance and how embarrassed he was of my hair, my clothes, and my way of handling myself.
And the list goes on and on, not even mentioning the unwillingness to respect my personal boundaries when I said NO, because he did it anyway!!
I wanted him out of my head and out of my memories, but this monster stayed for a reason!
Many people ask; Why did you stay if it was so bad?
I used to ask the same thing until I was in the middle of the nightmare, praying to get out, but did not know how.
By this time, I had no one to turn to. By this time, I had no friends outside of his circle, which he kept nice and tight for himself and made sure his behavior toward me was only in private!!!
By this time, I was so isolated and emotionally torn down that I seen no hope or way out, until one day I found an ounce of self-confidence deep down inside and fueled by anger and sadness I took a stand for myself.
It did not stop him but it did make him realize that there is more where that came from, and he was not ok with me fighting back!!! So he made up stories that he needed to take care of himself and manipulated me out of the house, just to get rid of me.
I not only felt devastated, beat down, and worthless, but I felt abundant, rejected and unwanted all at once. I felt like someone pulled the rug out from underneath me and my whole world was coming down.
I was devastated and even after all that abuse I tried to get him back!!! WHY?????
Because that is what happens when we give up ourselves to someone who has no value in their own being and want to make up for it by tearing down someone else! We become dependent on their existence and our clear thinking goes out the window.
It took me over a year to realize what I went through and even than I downplayed it, because I knew there are others out there with much worse experiences.
What I did not realize is that the scars are deeper than I ever thought and today I got to face those demons!
It is all for a reason! I know that I will not allow that monster to take over my life again, and that I am in control of my own emotions.
Today I know that I deserve to be loved and celebrated, and that I am worthy of love, compassion, respect, connection, intimacy, and to feel safe in my own skin.
Today I know that all that had to happen so I can support others in their healing and to make sure that everyone knows that they are not alone!!!!!
I wasn’t alone either, it just seemed that way!
I found my voice again and I created a life I always dreamed of! And I know that you can do it too!
Reach out for help! There is always someone there to listen!
You deserve to be celebrated, not tolerated!
This is an abuse free zone!!!